There is something that clicks in your brain when you are told your mom is dying. I don’t know how to explain the feeling other than a mixture of adrenaline, fear, despair, and a weird calmness that feels more like emptiness. On October 31, of this year my mom found out the pain in her back is cancer. There are four tumors total, all small in size but in different areas. She is weak and constantly in pain. I have been camped out at the hospital in-between work. Apparently the cancer is aggressive and it’s stage 4.
Why the fuck did this happen? I felt angry and cried for three days straight. The thing is, this cancer is not mine, it is my mom’s and I am already mourning her as if she is gone. This is not the way to be … EVER.
The doctors can’t identify the point of origin for the cancer. First, they treated the tumors in her back, which are approximately three centimeters, with radiation. That began Monday. Then came chemotherapy.
Prayer helps, although I have to admit, I was mad as hell at God. I thought how the hell could he let this happen? Why my mom? Why anyone’s mom? She has literally sacrificed her entire life for the sake of my siblings and myself. Constantly helping us through every damn thing. Helping my grandmother, aunt, and uncles whenever they needed her, and this is how she is rewarded … with fucking cancer?! I am sure God hears these words said by millions of people when it comes to cancer. It’s an epidemic here in the United States, and I know God didn’t “let” this happen. He does not want my mom or anyone else with this disease to suffer, or even be infected with it. I apologized to God, it was my anger, and fear that got to me and I took it out on him.